Sing It Louder!

I was thinking a lot about mental health issues today thanks to the great "Time to Talk" focus day this week.  One account particularly moved me - that of "Time to Talk" campaigner Johnny Benjamin - sharing his experience of how he almost threw himself off a bridge in London but was saved by a passerby.  It struck, worried and moved me how awful the reality of suicide is - and how surely it is OUR responsibility as a race to try and protect our own?  NO-ONE should feel so lost and alone that they end their lives!

So what keeps us going?  What keeps us living?

I have considered suicide myself personally this past year - I confess it.  Things just got "so" bad that it occurred to me as a distinct possibility.  I know that psychiatrists consider the risk of suicide greater if "there is a plan".  I had a plan.  I kept on living for a largely negative reason - I did not consider the cause of committing this final act "worthy" enough to do so.  It's not perfect but it worked for me!  The fact is that life serves good times and bad times.  And I have learned over the past year or two that rather than just "keep hoping that life picks up" - it is wiser to enjoy the good and use it as a foundation to work through the bad.

I got a little revelation today as to one of the reasons why I "keep going".  It was listening to one of my favourite song tributes to my adored and revered Her Majesty the Queen; "Sing".



The lyrics in question that moved me immensely were;

"There’s a place, there’s a time in this life when you sing what you are feeling, find your feet, stand your ground, don’t you see right now the world is listening to what we say? ... You brought hope, you brought life, conquer fear, no it wasn’t always easy, stood your ground, kept your faith, don’t you see right now the world is listening to what we say?"

What occured to me is this (and bearing strongly in mind; "Time to Talk" campaign) - one POWERFUL reason to "keep going" - is that there may be others out there who are encouraged, find strength, find hope from the story that we tell.  I shared a tweet the other day about the reality of living with an anxiety-related disorder.  It's horrid.  But if by speaking out - I can encourage or remind or tell another person that they are not alone and are not alien or weird - then surely I must do it!

There is a reason for keeping on living - and keeping on going.  We do not live alone in isolation.  If we live or die - this does have an impact on our fellow human beings!  And we have the opportunity to affect the world we touch by the words we speak!  So my hope and my aim right now in life is to try and take courage and speak out honestly about problems and solutions.

If it were one day to save a life, or to even just encourage someone that they aren't alone - that would make the ups and downs of my life ALL worthwhile!

Keep singing!

How Her Majesty the Queen helped me survive these past 1.5 years.

Dedicated to every brave soul who daily choses to continue living - even if it means facing demons, hardship and heartache.  Dedicated also to the fabulous Rev Dave and CEO Lisa who together gave me the bravery to speak out and put pen to paper.

It is amazing that even in the 21st century, it still isn't very easy to speak openly about mental health issues - particularly on a personal leveMORE empathetic and compassionate rather than building walls and de-personalising our patients!  Somehow anyone within the NHS, there is a ridiculous notion that "we are professionals and shouldn't struggle on this level".  But the unspoken reality is that the NHS is wonderful because it is staffed by human beings who do go through similar problems to the patients and families we see on a daily basis.  That reality should make us

My own personal background was somewhat more complicated by the fact that I came from an extremely fundemental religious background where mental health issues were particularly disapproved of, and usually put down to "sin" on some level.  When I first went on antidepressants some 10 years ago for a time, I didn't dare tell my parents for some years - as it was seen as an admission of "failure".  I have seen my General Practioner and various Occupational Health services through work pretty regularly - and the clinical feeling is that I am not "depressed" per se - I apparently tend to struggle with "chronic anxiety".  In short - I daily seem to imagine up (I have a very vivid imagination) all sorts of fears, worries and panics about what life may bring.

The last year and a half has been particularly rock-bottom in terms of experience, health and work.  Two or three times I did in fact consider suicide and whether it really "was all worth carrying on".  Those low points were often prompted by events I read, such as the tragic account of the nurse involved with the Australian DJ scandal while Prince William and Kate were in hospital expecting Prince George.  Reading that account made me feel an affinity with the nurse - but in a ludicrous way, a rather morbid wondering if I also committed suicide whether the Chairman/Chief Executive of my workplace would make a statement to the press.  I decided they wouldn't bother - and somehow found that enabled me to "keep living" that particular low day.

But the benefit of this year has meant that I have been forced to confront some of my worst fears headon - with no support, help or alternative.  That's a story for another time - but what I found was that actually - my imagined fears were WORSE than the reality!  But what I wanted to focus on in this post was what enabled me day by day to "keep going" this year.  And that was the person and example of Her Majesty the Queen.  Before you snigger - let me explain why.

I am sure there may be psychological reasons why the Queen means so much to me personally.  I lost both my beloved Grandparents at significantly low times in my life to cancer, and both losses affected me deeply.  I guess there may be a degree to which I long for a "Grandmother" figure.  But Her Majesty's example has meant more than that this year.  It is well known and commonly cited that her life motto is;

"Duty first - self second".

When Her Majesty was 21 she made a monumental speech in South Africa where she committed her life to;

"I declare before you all that my whole life whether it be long or short shall be devoted to your service and the service of our great imperial family to which we all belong".

Her committment to duty has ruled her life and service - even if at times it has meant that her family life and personal life has been affected as a result.  Many commentators (and we never know what Her Majesty herself thinks - as she does not give interviews) suggest that call to duty is something that has remained with her, and has driven her throughout her life and reign - to the present date, her amazing 86 years of age and her now-over 60 years of reign.

Let me make it clear - I do not equate myself in ANY way to Her Majesty the Queen in ANY sense (other than to count myself fortunate to be one of Her subjects).  But what remained with me throughout this blackest of years, was initially a thought - does Her Majesty the Queen ever get down or low?  And this wondering grew into an interest that lead me to reading many of the biographies written about the Queen, and the difficulties that have beset her (especially her famous "annus horribilis" year and the year where HM lost both her beloved mother and her sister) - yet continued to perform her duty.

Her Majesty's personal difficulties are made worse by far because they are so often in the sight, criticism and debate of the press and therefore the public of both the United Kingdom and Commonwealth.  At the very least any personal problems I have, were able to be limited by myself to the people I trust and were able to depend on (and to them - a few in number - I owe them a debt of gratitude I will never be able to repay!).

While working through - day by day - the blackness, the lowness and utter desolation of the past year - at times, it was quite simply the fact of seeing Her Majesty the Queen at an official function (I follow several blogs that track and report the Court Circular) that gave me courage and conviction to try and "live the day".  At times, this was as pathetic as leaving the safety of my flat and walking to the corner shop to buy a pint of milk.  It sounds ridiculous to write this - but my mentality was;

"If Her Majesty can go to yet another engagement despite the wealth of possible aches and pains she may have as an over-80 year old, smile constantly even though she may not feel it, and shake umpteen hands even though she has done nothing but for the last over 60 years of her reign ... then surely I can put clothes on, leave the flat and do a simple task?".

That simple role-model and mentality enabled me to gradually build and grow in confidence, activities - and as a result I found my mood and outlook on life improving, my determination to work through my difficulties strengthen, and focus my goals beyond just "surviving the day".

It is for this reason I will never fail to be grateful to the unfailing example of Her Majesty the Queen.  The couple of visits I have been SO fortunate to make to Buckingham Palace only served to enhance that.  It is why I am a Royalist through and through!  I know this example will not work for everyone who suffers with anxiety, depression or any other mental health disorders.  But I do think it underlines the importance when you are struggling so hard to "keep living" - sometimes it can be the most simple or obvious of things that help keep you "living"!  It could be a family pet that needs feeding.  It could be a planned outing in a few weeks time.

The majority of the victims of suicide almost invariably state; "they ran out of hope".  So for us - as NHS professionals - one of the key responsibilities upon us is to help find that hope (and it will be individual to each person).  But we can only do our job well and effectively - if WE are honest about our struggles and experiences.  Small things such as a "thank-you" from a Chief Executive or a line manager can change the complete "mood" of a working week!  More importantly - cared-for staff give better care (it is widely acknowledged - I cite an excellent PICU Intensive Care Consultant as an example) so it is vital that if NHS staff do share mental health struggles and issues, they are supported and not vilified or patronised (as has sometimes been my experience).

Positive thinking (in my opinion and experience) is absolutely vital to "keeping on going".  For many of my 36 years of living - I thought that positivity and happiness was a reaction to the experiences that life forces upon us.  If life was going well - then I was happy!  If it was going very ill - then I was not.  But I have come to realise and understand (thanks to Twitter friends - in particular Kath Evans, Head of Patient Experience for NHS England and her friend 'Engaging Emma') - that in fact positivity and happiness come from "within" and are a state of mind that can be increasingly immune to life's changes and events!

My conclusions?

1.  Life isn't fair or just.
2.  We all have a choice - to continue and fight or opt out.
3.  We can all chose to benefit from our experiences and use them for good.
4.  There is always hope - even if it is the smallest glimmer (such as the Monarch carrying on her duties!).
5.  The night cannot last forever - the dawn does comes, even if it seems forever!

Time for a NEW Beginning ... !

These past few weeks have been difficult ones for me personally.  I've become aware of some traits in my life that need dealing with.  I've neglected this blog quite a bit and have been throwing myself 100% into my work - which I adore.  I love working for an employer like Birmingham Children's Hospital and are so grateful for heroes like my CEO and Chief Nurse who have given me opportunities I am so fortunate to have!

But I have contemplated that I have almost allowed my identity to become my work.  It has got to the point where my body has actually physically given up and I have had to have some time off work (which I HATE!).  But I am hoping this time off will be a good thing and will help me to make necessary adjustments and be an even better employee and all-round person.

But what I have noticed with this blog is that virtually since July last year it has almost become entirely devoted to SGM and their problems with C J Mahaney.  This has been a negative issue and one that still seems unresolved.  My interest in it is tied up of course with my very unfortunate experience with them and the fact my family still go.  But it isn't a subject that is going to awake my passion!  I think of heroes like Terry Virgo and Rob Rufus and Ern Baxter who point us to keeping our faith on fire for the Church!

So tonight I brought two Kindle edition books which I am very excited to dip into - "Invading the Impossible" (which I helped the Hong Kong church transcribe) a few years ago and Rob and Ryan's NEWEST book; "Living Grace: How Grace Affects your Whole Life".  It is my hope that this enforced time off work will help me to remember Kingdom truths that used to set me on fire!

Disappointment in not seeing a coming to reality of the things I have (and still) believe in may have quenched the fire of hope.  But I still believe it can be re-inflamed by reading glorious things like these two books!  Here's the book being launched at City Church International;



Here's my favourite quote from Rob's chapter on the "Grace-Hating Spirit";

"People are hesitant to preach a radical Gospel of Grace but have you ever thought how radical the law is?  Those who preach a mixture of law and grace are actually just compromisers.  If you are going to preach the law, do it properly!  The full extent of the law requires you cut off your hand if it is causing you to sin!  When religious zealots fly planes into towers in the name of their gods, they are being absolutely faithful to the law!  Under the law, we should kill anyone who doesn't keep it.  In fact if you read the law properly you will see that if your kids don't keep the law, then you must stone your own children.


The reason why people say grace is radical is because they have never heard the law being taught properly".

Why Do We Keep Remembering what God Forgets?

This post was recently written by a US pastor called Wade Burleson in response to SGM's emphasis on "indwelling sin". He quotes an example I have heard John Piper and Sam Storms use in relation to this issue - that of Jason and the Argonauts. It's a great post. Many of us ex-SGMers are now resorting to contacting counselors (something C J Mahaney adamantly was against) because many of us are near nervous breakdowns trying to work through this teaching and it's impact.

Why Do We Keep Remembering What God Forgets?

“As we mature personally, as our families mature, and as our churches mature, we need the doctrine of sin more, not less; and we need to keep growing in rightly understanding and applying this doctrine. Be assured that this is no less true if you’re a pastor or teacher or ministry worker. There’s no pastoral privilege in relation to sin. There’s no ministry exemption from the opposition of the flesh. There’s only a heightened responsibility to oppose sin and to weaken the flesh, as an example to the flock.” -C.J. Mahaney, Humility (Sisters, OR: Multnomah, 2005), page 133.

The movement C.J. Mahaney founded, Sovereign Grace Ministries, is one that is supposedly built on an understanding and application of God's grace. I recently listened to several messages by Mahaney and read a couple of his books, including the one quoted from above. I find myself rather surprised. SGM seems to focus God's people on the subject of 'sin' much more than they do Christ. Rather than an emphasis on growing in grace within the body of Christ, there is a stated goal by SGM's founder of 'growing in the doctrine of sin.' That, to me, is quite shocking.

In Hebrews 10:17-18 the Lord says, “This is the covenant I will make with them (us)… I will remember their sins no more.”

For the life of me I can't understand why pastors would put emphasis on remembering what God forgets.

There’s no denial Christians struggle with ‘indwelling sin.’ There's also no denial that sin is destructive. The question, though, is "How does a believer defeat indwelling sin?" I am absolutely, positively, one-hundred-percent convinced that every Christian leader who places more emphasis in his ministry to Christians on indwelling sin than he does Jesus Christ, will ultimately lead his people down the path of religious bondage, emotional pain and spiritual abuse. Sin's power and influence are only diminished by displaying the beauty of Jesus Christ. Focus on sin and it entices you; focus on Christ and He enraptures you. An easy way to remember this axiom of the faith is: "There's no high like the Most High!" When God's people regular taste of Him "and see that He is good," every false high that sin brings will be recognized as a sorry substitute for the real thing. The ancient people said as much when they asked of Philip, "Sir, we would see Jesus" (John 12:21).

Focusing on sin may 'sound' spiritual, but it is in essence anti-Christ. Binding God's people to
various religious rituals (church attendance, quiet time, devotionals, 30-minute morning prayers, promises, commitments, accountability, etc...) in order to overcome indwelling sin is completely missing Christ.

Focus on Christ, not your performance or lack thereof. Focus on Christ, not your accountability or lack thereof. Focus on Christ, not your church attendance or lack thereof. When Christ is your focus, you will find growing satisfaction and delight in Him! When that happens, indwelling sin loses its power because it loses its enticement.

Religious bondage may lead you to THINK the power of sin is gone in your life, but in reality, you haven't changed a lick by the bondage. All that's happened to you is you've been tied down by religion's rituals. If somebody were to cut the ropes that tie you to the institution of the church, you'd be sin's dead meat. But as you taste of the sweetness of Christ, sin begins to lose its power.

I've already quoted Hebrews 10:17-18 as the biblical basis for the good practice of NOT remembering (or focusing) on what God forgets, but let me see if I can illustrate this principle from ancient Greek mythology.

Odysseus and his mighty sailors sailed the Aegean Sea. The sorceress Circe had warned Odysseus and his men to be wary of the beautiful but deadly Sirens. These half-woman, half-beast creatures would entice sailors with their beautiful music, compelling the men to sail closer to the island of the Sirens. Without warning, the Sirens would swoop down, kill and canabilize the sailors who had sailed too close to the island of the Sirens. The sorceress told Odysseus that he and his sailors should have their ears filled with wax to block the Sirens' songs from being heard. Odysseus complied with the instructions by ordering his men to fill their ears with wax. He, however, wanted to hear the Sirens' beautiful songs for himself. So he told his sailors to tie him up to the mast with strong ropes so that when the Sirens began to sing, he could focus on the singing, but he could not jump ship and swim toward the enticing but deadly island. The sailors complied and bound their captain to the ship's mast. When the ship sailed near the island of the Sirens, music began to fill the air, and Odysseus focused on the beautiful songs and found himself enraptured. He began to fight the ropes and chains that bound him, longing to draw closer to the Sirens. He struggled with all his might to free himself from the bondage. He wanted to free himself, but he was trapped and held by the ropes and men on his ship. His battle with bondage was bloody and ugly. Odysseus avoided death at the hands of the Sirens, but he was a miserable wretch as his shipmates sought to hold Odysseus "accountable" and keep him safe.

On the other hand, Jason and the Argonauts dealt with the Sirens in a different manner. They too sailed the Aegean, but unlike Odysseus, they refused the ear wax, the strong ropes, and all attempts to "bind" anyone to the mast of the ship. Instead, they brought the greatest musician in the land onto their ship, a Muse named Orpheus, and they ordered him to play his beautiful music. The music from Orpheus' lyre and harp was so much sweeter, so far better, so incredibly more beautiful than the songs of the Sirens that Jason and the Argonauts had no desire to listen to the Sirens' songs when their ship passed by the island of the Sirens. What kept Jason and the Argonauts on the ship was the greater pleasure and beauty of Orpheus' music.

Odysseus and Jason serve as parabolic illustrations for the modern church. The great mistake of many Christian leaders, including many associated with SGM, is that they are attempting the Odysseus approach to indwelling sin in their people. They wish to expose sin (confess it), focus on sin (analyze it), control sin ('by binding people'), as they put more and more emphasis on sin as "God's people 'mature.'"

The only thing that this particular emphasis brings is tired, worn out people who collapse under the weight of 'authoritative leaders' and their edicts on how to be 'more holy.'

Pastors need to be more like Jason and the Argonauts. We need to bring Jesus into the church like Jason brought Orpheus onto the boat. Talk of Christ. Preach of Christ. Tell of Christ. Magnify Christ. Exalt Christ. Honor Christ. Uplift Christ. Sing of Christ. Speak of Christ. Point to Christ. Focus on Christ. The sweet music of Christ as written in the sacred hymn of Scripture is sufficient. The Holy Spirit does a pretty convincing job of guiding His people by the island of sin when the sweet song of the Savior is being played.

Care of our Loving God

One of the problems (self inflicted I know!) that I'm going through at the moment is that due to the hectic nature of my work at the hospital, I foolishly let my prescription for anti-depressants expire. As I'm on an increased dose, there are inevitable side effects to coming off them suddenly for a week and a half. One is exhaustion and fatigue and the other is the return of worry, anxiety etc. Fortunately I went back to my GP and am safely back on them so hoping this period of worry will settle.

I was lying awake last night with insomnia (I think that's the word) trying to control my anxious thoughts and a beautiful chorus came to my mind which I tried to keep singing and focus on. I love Darlene Zschech for this!

How do you keep hope when all seems lost?

No really ... I'm asking.

Happy New Year - 2011!!

A massive Happy New Year to everyone reading this!

It seems like a lot of people I have the honour of emailing and keeping in touch with found 2010 to be an incredibly difficult year. So I do love the fresh start of a New Year - the blank slate. Untread territory - no well worn paths ahead.

Blogging so last decade?

I read somewhere that someone has started blogging and referred to themselves as being "out of date". Frankly I didn't realise that blogs are now out of date! If I ran this blog purely to be trendy then I guess this New Year would be the right time to close it down - but I've always tried to make it clear that this blog isn't about building a following or seeking to become a "voice" but this is for my own spiritual tracking and gain - and secondarily to chart, map and log great heroes of the Christian faith who's voices must not and cannot be forgotten.

So I am freshly excited about another New Year and I am so hopeful (still) that the unfulfilled promises of God will see some coming to pass this year. They are long overdue and above all I am eager to see God move and do something. Let's keep hoping! I am still so challenged by Rob Rufus and his warning about the danger of cynicism. It's very timely that my good friend and fellow blogger Julie Morris posted this reminder on her Facebook;

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" - Jesus

Unblocking Old Wells

As you will see from the last couple of wells I have been working through remembering and re-discovering my personal relationship with God that I have allowed the stresses and business of life to erode. Yesterday was a glorious rediscovery of just how easy it is! And a glorious reminder of the wonderful free grace of God - that you do not have to pay penance to a sulky God because you have been away for so long but actually as soon as you turn to Him and seek Him and Him alone you find His arms are open wide.

I wanted to build on that today. It was a frustrating day because I was geared up to work tonight but the night shift got cancelled in the end. So I took to reading through some of my dusty old sermon notebooks. I am so, so grateful that we were taught to take notes as children in church! There is so much amazing truth there. For example I found notes from a sermon preached by my senior pastor Dr Stanley Jebb in Dunstable on 3rd May 1998 on "The Church in Thyatira". Here are the notes:

The promise of God that really caught my eye was from verse (v26). "He who overcomes, I will give unto him power over the nations". Stanley Jebb comments on the verse;

"It seems that there are those who are faithful who will be given responsibility and authority".

It seems to me that God is promising something amazing here! If we are faithful - if we hold on and keep believing and do not allow the cynicism of life to erode our faith in Him then we will be given power over the nations - to further advance the Kingdom of God of course. I think Stanley was typically too cautious in his interpretation of that verse. Jebb allows for "responsibility and authority" whereas the verse mentions; "the nations". Whatever the case this is an exciting promise! And one we must not forget! Another reason to hold on!

I hope to share more promises or discoveries from my notebooks as I find them! It is good - even in a "day of small things" when nothing much seems to be happening there is a right and appropriate time to go back to the pile of stones in the Jordan and remember the great works and the promises of God!

"God Remembered Noah" - Stanley Jebb

I am so grateful for this "what are these stones?" theme I am thinking through at present. I was spending today hunting through my library of church magazines and journals reading and remembering. I found a magazine from my home church in Dunstable - dated October 1985. Dr Stanley Jebb wrote the pastoral letter and it spoke SO directly to my current situation and relation to God. Proof that the word of God doesn't age or grow old and can STILL speak today!

Here it is;

God Remembered Noah (Genesis 8:1) by Dr Stanley Jebb.

"Do you ever feel that God has forgotten you? Does it sometimes seem that the grey, cloudy heavens cannot possibly hide a loving Father? Has He not spoken for some time? Has your deliverance not yet come?

Consider Noah's position in Genesis 6 to 8.

1. Staying Put in the Ark.

Everything around the ark was bleak and horrible. Nothing much seemed to be happening. The only sounds to be heard were those made by the animals, cacophonous at times, the creaking of the boat, the sound of wind, rain and waves, and what conversation the family managed to snatch between chores. God seemed to be silent.

Noah was very much restricted in his movements and in his activities. He couldn't go very far not could he do very much, not much, that is, beyond the daily chores of caring for the animals and doing any repairs necessary. Noah and his family were in the ark for one year and ten days. (Genesis 7:11, 13, 8:13-16).

What else was Noah doing? He was trusting God. He trusted God in the waste of waters, in the confined space, in the limited activity, in the darkness, in the divine silence. While he kept busy with family life, the animals and the ark, he kept looking up to God.

He had expectancy of deliverance (Genesis 8:6-12).

2. When God "Remembered" Noah.

When the Bible says that "God remembered" it does not mean that God had forgotten.

H C Leupold in his commentary on Genesis says, "It would never occur to one familiar with Hebrew to draw the conclusion from this statement that for a time God had forgotten Noah". In Isaiah 49:15 we read; "Can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget but I will not forget you".

"Remembering" - when used of God means that He now acts, so that to man it appears that He has just remembered.

We use the word in a similar fashion when we say that someone was "remembered" in a will. The word translated "remembered" is often used implying a remembering with kindness, granting requests, protecting, delivering (e.g Genesis 9:15; 30:22, Ex Ex 2:24; 1 Sam 1:11).

"God remembers" that is, acts at the appropriate time with exactly what we need. All the time that Noah was trusting, God was working according to a plan.

3. The Time of Action.

When, in God's providential timing, it was right to emerge from the ark, the action began with a word from God.

(8:15, 16). God said; "Go out".

So often we act upon serious and momentous matters without a word from God. When we are moving in an important or significant or unusual way it is wise to seek a word from the Lord.

The word contained a command to be fruitful and multiply. God expected Noah and his descendants to subdue the earth and fill it. While God remembered Noah it is also true that Noah remembered God. He built an altar and worshipped the Lord. How easy, yet how dangerous, it is to forget God (See Romans 1:20 ff).

Just as God remembered Noah, so He remembers us.

He never forgets us, but acts in His own good time, the very best time, to accomplish His will and bless His people.

"His love in time past forbids me to think, He'll leave me at last in trouble to sink,

Each sweet Ebenezer I have in review, confirms His good pleasure to help me quite through" (John Newton).

Awake O Zion!!

I had a post written about my current dilemmas and thoughts on "Total Forgiveness" and was planning to post that - but was just sorting through my email inbox after my week away in Spain and was reading some of Terry Virgo's most recent blogs. This post caught my eye because it reminded me of a fab song we used to sing as kids that went;

"Awake, awake O Zion - come clothe yourself with strength! Put on your garments of splendour - O Jerusalem".

The blog post of Terry's is working through the book of Jonah and he wrote;

"The church is God’s messenger to a storm-tossed world. She holds the keys to the nations. She knows the answers that everybody needs to hear. How can the church sleep while the world is agonizing with such colossal pressures? How can she drift while people’s hearts are failing on every side? Suicides, drug addiction, mindless brutality, abused children, elderly people terrified to answer their doorbells at night – what a world we live in. How can the church, God’s prophetic voice to the nations, become so purposeless and fall asleep?".

Sleep. Am I sleeping spiritually and personally? Is the church sleeping spiritually and corporately? It's not something you hear suggested very often. But if we are sleeping then who is acting as God's watchmen for the world? If we are sleeping spiritually then no wonder the prophetic is so lacking in passion and strength. The one prophetic word that we may not be actually hearing from God is;

"Wake up!".

Terry went on;

"Today, God wants you to share His anguish. ‘Look at those huge cities: London, Birmingham, Manchester …’ he’d say. ‘Their wickedness has come up before me, and I’m angry at their sin, but I love the people and long to show them compassion and mercy. Take the gospel to them. I want to display my love and power in your cities, to give them the opportunity to repent.’ Are you personally obeying God in this great commission, or have you fallen asleep?".

Waking up. Maybe that is the central word to my current situation. And the response? Terry Virgo's next blog post brings a response to that; "Help!".

"‘Help!’ That’s where you start. You don’t begin by trying to work out exactly how God might want to be addressed – ‘I beseech thee, almighty God, creator of the universe …’ You don’t begin by reviewing your own unworthiness and the various sins you’ve committed since you drifted away. There are times when urgency totally eclipses formality".

Too often Christians judge those struggling because they speak or write or act angrily. Such people are often seen as rebellious or backsliding - whereas actually could it be possible that "urgency is eclipsing formality"?

I love these next few words. These are the words of a pastor.

"‘Help!’ is a cry God will not ignore. You could be restored to God as you read these words. Why don’t you cry to him for help even now, at this very moment?".

And the next stage? Well Terry answers that in his next post; "What I have vowed I will make good".

"Jonah – far removed from God’s will, alone, tired and miserable – prayed, ‘What I have vowed I will make good.’ In that moment, as if a severed electric cable had been rejoined to its source, there was light, power, revelation and a shout of assurance, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord’ (Jonah 2:9). His declaration triggered an immediate response in heaven".

Have you (like me) forgotten some of the promises you made to God in the initial rushes of "first love" towards Him? Have you forgotten how strong you felt - how passionate you felt about reaching the lost and changing the world for God? Has constant weariness, battle and cynicism worn you down so that you (like me) have become bitter and disappointed and wondering at times whether God too has forgotten the promises He made you?

I'm ready to take a risk and hope that electric cable will be rejoined to it's source. I am so so grateful for Terry Virgo and his faithful prophetic ministry that just manages to speak to exactly where you are at.

1. Wake up!

2. Cry "Help!".

3. Remember "What I have vowed I will make good".

Don't Stop Believing!!

I'm repeating a cliche today that I have repeated before. And probably quoting a song that I have quoted before. But when life isn't the easiest or the best, it is often a wise idea to stick to what you know. Very often the depressed individual struggles with feelings triumphing over truth. The worse case scenario is that a person commits suicide when they truly lose all hope and cannot see any reason for living.

I was excited to see the trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows has been released and was fascinated with the final scene of it - Voldemort is facing Harry and asks; "Why are you still living?". Harry replies; "Because I have something to live for".

The key then - the message to everyone who has ever struggled with depression is this: DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Lou Fellingham ....

I just wanted to share a couple of thoughts that came to me today. I was trying to encourage a dear friend who is struggling with depression and spiritual darkness and I was reminded of a point in "Pilgrims Progress" when Christian is walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and he sees Faithful ahead and says;

"Christian cried again, Stay, stay, till I come up to you. But Faithful answered, No, I am upon my life, and the avenger of blood is behind me".

I wondered why Faithful didn't stop. Was it because he was genuinely afraid after walking through one of the darkest valleys of their journey? It occured to me that many who are in deep spiritual darkness may feel the same - they may hear the cries of fellow Christians saying; "Wait - let me walk with you - let me share with you" and their response? "No - I've got to go - my life is on the line and the demons of hell are behind me". I reminded my friend that they are not alone - and there are others who are going through similar darkness. We are never alone.

While I was cooking in the kitchen I had some of Lou Fellingham's wonderful album on my iPod and this track; "Build This House" particularly struck me - and this line;

"So easy to desire what others have
Instead of seeing all the gifts that
You have given me
So help me fan the flame
which you began
And burn in me a love for you
that all will clearly see".

It so lovingly challenged me. When you are depressed it is so incredibly easy to think that life is hardest for ME and noone has it as hard. It is so incredibly easy to look at everyone else around you and resent their finances, their relationships or marriages and their gifts - instead of seeing "all the gifts that you have given me". So I just wanted to lay tribute at Lou Fellingham's door for reminding me to keep praying that God would fan into flame the love for Him that is there!

Here's the whole song;

The Best Wine is STILL to Come!!

I'm having a pretty rough time at the moment still believing in the church. I had a few rough emails today that I won't go into right now. But once again I found myself wondering why it seems to me that the world accept and welcome and appreciate and value - but the church seems to disprove, doubt and discourage whereever possible. So how do we react to a feeling like that? I suppose I could wallow in my frustration and disappointment but how would that value the waiting nations who need to hear the gospel?

My take tonight is to remind myself of the glorious church - to re-state the vision! It's something I've done now and again on this blog. And I am so, so grateful to God for heroes of the faith who state it far better than I and who see it far clearer than I. Tonight - C H Spurgeon is my companion, my encouragement, my guide.

1. Preaching a sermon called; "The Feast of the Lord" at New Park Street on November 28th 1858, Spurgeon said;

"There is better wine to come. We are in our privileges superior to patriarchs, and kings, and prophets. God has given us a brighter and a clearer day than they had; theirs was but the twilight of the morning, compared with the noon-day which we enjoy. But think not that we are come to the best wine yet. There are more noble banquets for God's church; and who knoweth how long, ere the best of the precious wine shall be broached? Know ye not that the King of Heaven is coming again upon this earth?".

"Again, he will not give us the best wine first, because that is not his good pleasure ... Again; your Father doth not give you the good wine now, because he is giving you an appetite for it ... Again, the Lord hath this also in view. He is making you fit for the best wine, that he may be glorified by the trial of your faith".

I love Spurgeon's closing remark;

"I have never seen heaven anywhere but close to Calvary. When I have seen my Saviour crucified, then I have seen him glorified; when I have read my name written in his blood, then I have seen afterwards my mansion which he has prepared for me. When I have seen my sins washed away, then I have seen the white robe that I am to wear for ever. Live near to the Saviour, man, and you shall not be very far off heaven. Recollect, after all, it is not far to heaven. It is only one gentle sigh, and we are there. We talk of it as a land very far off, but close it is, and who knows but that the spirits of the just are here to-night? Heaven is close to us; we cannot tell where it is, but this we know, that it is not a far off land. It is so near, that, swifter than thought, we shall be there, emancipated from our care and woe, and blessed for ever".

2. An aspect of the glorious church is vitally and essentially a MILITANT church - preaching a sermon called; "The Vanguard and Rereward of the Church" on December 28th 1858, Spurgeon said;

"Yet nevertheless, the church on earth has, and until the second advent must be, the church militant, the church armed, the church warring, the church conquering".

The reason for our triumphant confidence? Spurgeon says;

"Christ has gone before us, he has done something in that going before, for he has conquered every foe that lies in his way. Cheer up now thou faint-hearted warrior. Not only has Christ travelled the road, but he has slain thine enemies. Dost thou dread sin? he has nailed it to his cross. Dost thou dread death? he has been the death of Death. Art thou afraid of hell? he has barred it against the advent of any of his children; they shall never see the gulf of perdition. Whatever foes may be before the Christian, they are all overcome".

How can we NOT be confident?! Christ has gone before us! The sin that some religious Pharisees may seek to accuse us of has already been gloriously nailed to the Cross!

3. Spurgeon continues the militant glorious theme in his sermon; "Storming the Battlements" preached on September 16th 1855;

But he brings a note of warning first;

"God's church is very fond of building walls which her God has not sanctioned. She is not content to trust in the arm of God, but she will add thereto some extraneous help which God utterly abhors. "Beautiful for situation—the joy of the whole earth—is Mount Zion, upon the sides of the north, the city of the great king. As the mountains are round about Jerusalem, even so is God round about his people, from henceforth, for evermore." But his people are not content with God's being round about them, they seek some other protection".

That leaves me feeling encouraged and driven. This is something worth fighting for. The demonic counterfeit - that which pretends to be "grace" but is in fact legalism designed to control and manipulate is worth resisting and is worth fighting. Because the reality is glorious! The reality is wonderful! The reality will sweep the nations and will see thousands come to faith and trust in the Wonderful Saviour who gave His life in love to see many sons come to glory!

"The Hope of Grace Alone" by Pete Greasley

I'm on a cautious voyage of discovery. I have long bemoaned the fact that it seems incredibly difficult to find preachers in the United Kingdom who preach pure grace. So often it begins with grace but then ends up "applying" grace in lists of activities that are required to meet performance standards. When I listened and transcribed Pete Greasley's message at New Word Alive - I still maintained an element of suspicion, after all - everyone is on their best at conferences.

I was really encouraged by my friend Janelle's comment on that post that this message of grace is more wide-ranging across SGM than I feared from my experiences. So I decided to listen and transcribe Pete's message from last Sunday at his home church in Newport. Incredibly it was titled: "The Hope of Grace Alone" - sounds perfect. Here it is the video (the transcript is below):

Romans 4: 13 - 25 "The Hope of Grace Alone" from Christchurch, Newport on Vimeo.

The title of this morning is “The Hope of Grace Alone”.

"13 For the promise to Abraham and his offspring that he would be heir of the world did not come through the law but through the righteousness of faith. 14 For if it is the adherents of the law who are to be the heirs, faith is null and the promise is void. 15 For the law brings wrath, but where there is no law there is no transgression.

16 That is why it depends on faith, in order that the promise may rest on grace and be guaranteed to all his offspring—not only to the adherent of the law but also to the one who shares the faith of Abraham, who is the father of us all, 17 as it is written, "I have made you the father of many nations"—in the presence of the God in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist. 18 In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be." 19 He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb.

20No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, 21 fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. 22 That is why his faith was "counted to him as righteousness." 23 But the words "it was counted to him" were not written for his sake alone, 24but for ours also. It will be counted to us who believe in him who raised from the dead Jesus our Lord, 25 who was delivered up for our trespasses and raised for our justification".

Let’s pray together. Lord I do pray this morning that as we come back to this difficult portion of Scripture that You by Your Holy Spirit will make it clear to us. That we would not only understand it but Lord – that we would be affected by it. Lord I pray that wrong thinking and wrong mindsets that are not from You but from the enemy would be broken this morning by the truth of Scripture and that truth would truly set us free. That the gospel would be truly seen in all it’s glory and again we may glory not in the flesh but entirely and completely and only in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen.

I have a few questions for you to start off. Do you ever or have you ever worried about the reality of your salvation? Maybe your heart is not as warm as it once was. You can remember a time when you felt a lot closer to God and you start to question is this real? Am I truly saved? Are my sins forgiven? Maybe there is a besetting sin that has been plaguing you for years and you think how can a Christian still struggle with that. And you question the reality of your salvation. Maybe it is a fear that you could give all this up and go back into the world. Maybe it is a fear that God will say “I’ve had enough already. For years you have outstayed My patience”. Maybe there is a fear that on That Day – you won’t make it or be one that He says; “Well done My good and faithful servant”. If you have never had any of those fears you would be unusual because they are common temptations to man and to Christians. You may at some point – keep this in mind. You may be sitting here thinking this is a continual on-going struggle. My assurance – am I truly in Christ? Do I know it and feel it? Does it change me every day?

This Scripture is here to help you and all of us. We have an enemy and that enemy is the accuser of the brethren. He accuses us that what we believe is not real for us. He doesn’t accuse us that it is not real for us. He tries to get us to make that more real by what we do and move off the grounds of grace and into the grounds of what we do.

Satan doesn’t work by making us go downtown to have a wild time. Satan says “If you pray more or do this more or that more or the other more then God will love you more and accept you more”. He wants to move us off the grounds of grace.

I know we keep recapping in Romans – Romans 1 to Romans 3:20 is the bad news. The bad news that God is glorious and God the Creator has revealed enough of Himself to us so that we should worship Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and have no other gods beside Him. He shows us in that there is not one of us who seek God and not one glorifies God – but we turn our glory into ourselves and commit cosmic treason and God who should be adored and glorified and worshipped – is not. And we adore and glorify and worship ourselves and what God has created. The verdict at the end of the chapter is 3:20 – is “guilty as charged” without any appeal or anything left to say. God is right. Then we come to Romans 3:21-26 – worth learning by heart! Leon Morris said this is probably the most important paragraph ever written. In this here the incredible good news of amazing grace comes! Now there is a righteousness from God and of God that is made manifest and revealed apart from works – apart from us having to do ANYTHING to earn it.

As he opens that up to us in v21-26 – we see that those of us in Christ who believe (although the Old Testament pointed to this) for those of us who believe that Christ died and redeemed us and saved us and propitiated God’s wrath by His blood – for those God gives freely salvation and imputes Christ’s righteousness to us.

He considers us RIGHTEOUS apart from what we do!

There are two responses that go through to the end of chapter 4. This is what that good news does in us. Firstly it humbles us. Paul talks about application. Applying v21-26. “Let no one boast” – we have nothing to boast about because God has done it ALL in Christ! We cannot say “Didn’t I do great?”. The second part of application is assurance. Two things take place when we understand the glories of the gospel. One is humility and secondly assurance “It is ALL of grace”. This has got to be personal. We can know this theologically in our head but we have got to KNOW it so it completely fills us – we have GOT it – we are saved by grace alone and that I am in Christ and kept by Christ and be ultimately be with Christ!

I hope this Scripture serves you this morning – this is all about future hope because of what God has done. That is why you get the word “promise” here. In fact the word “promise” in vv13-25 is used five times if you see it! It keeps coming! Get the picture. Promise and faith! They keep coming back and back. At the beginning of chapter 1 Paul opens it up by talking about the gospel which He promised beforehand. So now he is opening up this promise of the gospel which should affect our hearts and minds.

We need to move from theology – understanding it – to doxology - embracing it, feeling it and glorifying God in our response to it.

We have just seen this incredible promise in the Gospel that God will count us as righteous with redemption through His death on a Cross. This incredible promise! The question comes – is this promise for me? Will God do this or has God done this for me? Can I know my future is secure? More importantly IS my future secure?

Knowing it is one thing but having it as a reality is more important.

And there will be very few people in this room who haven’t asked that question and haven’t at times struggled with that. I grew up understanding promises a bit. If dad made a promise it was concrete. If I could get out of him “I promise” – I would know that is secure as it can be. One circumstance that could change his promise for say us to go to the park is if I had been a very, very bad boy that week. There were a few weeks that I was particularly obnoxious. “You forfeited that promise because of how awfully you have behaved” – and you know the Bible is full of promises that come together with commands. If you don’t obey this command and do this. “Cast your care on the Lord” (command) “for He cares for you” (promise). “Delight yourself in the Lord” (command) “and He shall give you the desires of your heart” (promise). But not with justification! We will blow that apart! Sometimes dad would withdraw that promise or sometimes his intention would be to do it but he would have to go into work. The intention was there but sometimes I forfeited that promise or sometimes he was unable to keep it.

When we come to this Scripture, God wants to show us that when He makes a promise concerning our eternal salvation how we live has NOTHING to do with it at all – it is ALL by grace and He wants to show us that He has the power to carry it out.

That is the message! He goes into Abraham and comes back to this man who is their hero of faith. Abraham started it all up. God met Abe and told him to go and started the whole ball rolling with this man who will be the father of nations. If you look back into Genesis 15 and 16. You see God cutting a covenant with Abraham which is a picture of the Cross to come. God makes this covenant that he will be the father of many nations and shows him the stars and says “So will your descendants be numbered”. In Genesis 17 Abe tries to work it out for himself with Hagar but then God comes back and says “My promise is still here” and says it isn’t Hagar but Sarah. God says “I will call you father of multitudes”. This all points to Christ and essentially through a son – you will be the father of multitudes, the heir of the world and your descendents will fill and be the blessing of the world and …. You must be joking!!

When we examine the promise of grace alone by faith alone – He comes and shows us the picture of the promise to Abraham and says “See what I did and why I did it”. This is nuts! Abraham is 99 years old (almost 100) and I don’t want to get explicit here – but Abraham considers his own body and he says “I am past it”. He looked at Sarah and laughed and said “Her womb’s like a dried up prune!”. Excuse me ladies. You are telling me that I will get her pregnant?! He is twice my age! I know I am good for 50! But at the same point Abraham is 100 years old and his wife is 90 and God says you will get her pregnant! He presented Hagar and Ishmael – and he laughed to himself. Later on when Sarah overheard the Lord coming and speaking and she laughed too. It was ridiculous and absurd and naturally impossible. It provoked absurd hysterical laughter.

What?! This is MY promise to you. When we read verse 21 through 26 we should experience something of the same emotion that Abraham and Sarah experienced when God came and promised them the earth. When God came and said “I will do this for you” and it was beyond their ability to conceive or understand or grasp. The only natural response is “What?!”. “But now a righteousness from God is revealed apart from faith” – if we really get the promise of the gospel, our response should be hysterical laughter! This is how glorious and holy God is and how guilty God is – and yet He is counting us as righteous in the death of His Son!

The problem with so many Christians is that we don’t take it as it is. We try to add so much into it. As we see the gospel our response should be; “It can’t be so good that it doesn’t matter how I live”. You will say “Well I shouldn’t say that because that is close to antinomianism because the Bible says it does matter”.

I know the Bible says it matters how we live but the Bible says it DOESN’T matter how I live in order to be justified!

We must get this point otherwise we move from grace to works and fall from grace. Nothing from me? Nothing at all? No. A bit? No. Nothing! What does God want our response to be to this – this is why He is taking us back to Abraham. He wants us to see Him and His faithfulness and He wants us to see our response to it. So I have got four things that I will go through. It is all about where our hope can be found.

1. The Ground of Abraham’s Hope.

We find that he majors on what the ground isn’t. There is a negative that comes in here. (v13); “That he would inherit the promises … did NOT come through the law (what he does) but through the righteousness of faith”. He is saying “I tell you what his grounds weren’t – they weren’t ANYTHING of himself or what he could do”. This was God’s promise to him!

If you try and do something about this promise then it becomes null and void!

You have to trust completely. If you start to put your hand out (which is the natural thing to do) then the promise of me catching you is gone. If I see that hand move then my promise is over. You must trust completely. You can’t tense – I will catch you just before you hit the floor.

In your spirit – everything in you when God says “Grace alone by faith alone in Christ alone” – your very nature is towards works. I want to do something to support myself and God says “No”.

What could Abraham have done? He could have started a fitness regime or gone to the chemist or done something! This is real life stuff! This isn’t Aladdin – this guy was 100 years old and God said that they were going to get pregnant. Everything in him said “What can I do?”. He had already tried to make it happen! Abraham gave up and said there is nothing I can do to make this happen. That’s why the Scripture says he didn’t waiver in faith! It was absurd – so much so that only God could do this.

Our salvation – Romans 3:21-26 is ALL of grace. APART from works! Nothing that you do! Abraham knew this and did this but if you try and add works in then the promise is void. The promise is only based on what God would do – it is all of grace. So when we look that – we find he believed against hope! He hoped against hope! His hope was now outside of himself against the natural hope he had within himself. He gave up his own hope and hoped only and entirely on God. It is that giving up and refusal for self-atonement – even the smallest bit. You can have 99% promise and 1% works. It must be 100% or nothing.

C H Spurgeon says this. He said you would sooner yoke a gnat to an archangel than try and help Christ save you – it must be all of grace or none at all It is all of grace! It was 100% trusting God!

2. The Object of His Hope.

It turns from not himself to God alone. This is 100% proof grace. God alone and completely alone with grace alone. See (v16b) – this is why it depends on faith. The promise may rest on grace and be guaranteed to all his offspring. God’s promise of saving you by grace must rest on that grace – it must rest there! We have nothing to bring! Paul says it again and again – we must feel it and know it and get it.

It is not how we live but what He has done through Christ – His life and His death. Grace is the only guarantee!

You buy a computer and there is a thing on the back that says “If you peel this off or try to unscrew this computer to mend it – the guarantee is null and void”. You cannot touch it! Everything in you thinks I can sort this – how hard can it be? You peel it off carefully and unscrew it – but the moment you do that, it has gone.

God is saying that the moment you think you can go in to do something to aid Christ, the promise is no longer the promise.

In hope in God – in verse 20 you find it is all about God for him. “Fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised”. That is what God wants for us this morning. Would you jump out of the plane and flap your arms without a parachute? And when you have a parachute – flapping your arms doesn’t work either. Unless Christ saves you – all our works count as nothing. For us the promise is that we now see Christ. It is not just a promise to Abraham – now there is a righteousness of God revealed and it is apart from works! It is the salvation and redemption we get in Christ Jesus – we see Christ crucified and later on in Romans 8, he takes that. “If God did not spare His own Son … how much more will He not give us all things” – he expands and expands and it gets more and more scandalous!

This is too free and too good and too simple! This is ridiculous! It is amazing if you get it! Paul says “Get it!”. Abraham got it! Abraham gave up his own works and put his trust totally and utterly in God. That is how the Galatians started you know! The Galatians started by seeing Christ and Paul said in Galatians 3; “You have moved away from the gospel!”. Your faith centred around him and now you are hoping for the future in what you are doing rather than continually relying on Him. You are flapping your arms. You are far from grace! It is finished – it is sorted once and for all! Christ and His finished work is the object of our hope. He is an example for us to rely and trust on God alone.

3. The Certainty of His Hope.

He has the will and He has the power to make us and keep us righteous for all eternity. Remember my dad – you have blown this promise. Here he shows us that we cannot forfeit the promise. He has the power to keep this promise and nothing that we can do – He has the grace to keep this promise. This is the proof (v17b) – he says; “In the presence of the God who gives life to the dead … and calls into existence the things that do not exist”. Abraham believes God because God creates something from nothing. Paul is saying apply this to yourself. Righteousness apart from works – he takes nothing – he takes that which is dead and to the dead one, he brings life and creates from nothing. He creates someone who is loved, known and saved by Christ. He does it and He makes it. Here am I – Pete Greasley – not a Christian but before the foundation of the earth God calls into existence and He takes me from darkness to life, He takes His Spirit and places it within me and imputes Christ’s righteousness to me – and Paul says now I am a new creation! He promised it and He did it!

How can I undo that? You can’t! Will my works and failure undo it? No – because it is only promise! Promise with no added mixture of works! Will God reject Christ’s work on the Cross – no never! It is always going to be there!

My salvation and your salvation is entirely and completely outside of yourself. God takes that which is nothing. And brings it to something – so no one may boast and that we may trust in “grace that has brought me safe thus far and grace will take me home”. Will God show me grace? Romans 8:32 – He gave up His Son – what more proof do you need? He rose Christ from the dead – God can do this and it is the proof of His power and grace and the proof of His certainty!

4. The Effect of this Hope.

Faith and assurance! He is standing on something entirely outside of himself. How many times have I preached this?! There will be times when you haven’t got this and if they knew what I was like inside, they would question this! Challenges do come! He believes and did not waver or distrust but grew strong in faith and glorified God and most importantly – not just how he felt – but (v22) that is why his faith was counted to him as righteousness.

Those words were counted for us too – who believe in Him. He took the promise of Abraham and has transferred it into the New Testament. “Christ died for our sins”. Because he trusted on what Christ has done, therefore he was counted righteous before God. If our salvation is outside of ourselves then we are counted righteous before God.

How you feel is irrelevant. What you do is irrelevant. What you don’t do is irrelevant. What do think or don’t think or say or don’t say – nothing! How you put your arms out – nothing!

You are saved by grace! That is entirely outside of you and it is a gift of God through faith. That is a gift too by the way! That is why I know I am safe and secure in the promise of God and it will never ever be taken back or voided – because it was Christ alone! Faith alone by grace alone through Christ alone for the glory of God alone – the word is “ALONE”. For the glory of Christ alone! It is all outside of ourselves! On that day some of you (self-righteous people) and say “Did we not do this or that?” and He will look them in the eye and say “Depart from Me I never knew you”. But also on that day He will give us our reward. A lot of people who thought they would never make it will be there. You will be there and stand before Him and hear “Well done – thou good and faithful servant” and you will fall on the floor flabbergasted.

I believe God wants you to have an assurance of your faith. You can live your whole life without assurance and still be saved. Have you received Him? Yes. Do you feel saved? No not always – doesn’t matter, you are saved!

It is not your strength of your assurance that will get you there. We are in Christ! Christ has died for me and there is nothing I can do to find myself in hell. It is all of grace. Our assurance – that assures His promise by Christ’s atoning death – my hope is built not on my feelings or on my works or thoughts but my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. What happens when you move your hope outside of yourself and how you feel – it all floods back. We preach the gospel to ourselves daily – all of grace – all of faith – all of Christ! We worry about grace because we look within. Just like Abraham we can not waver in our faith but be fully convinced.

The conclusion? If God declares me righteous then who can condemn me! Can this or that? Or life or angels? Or anything? No! It can’t be that good! It is that good.

Hope for the Future by Remembering the Past

The tension between remembering the past and gazing to the future is a problematic one at times. Too many Christians tend to gaze fondly back at the past and say; "If only the old days ...". However I find that remembering God's actions in the past are one of the most sure and firm ways of encouragement and of building faith when the present seems to be absent or devoid of the manifest Presence of God. The devil tries to attack our faith by asking; "Does God really still do that today?". If we look back at the past we know for a sure fact He DOES and He WILL again!

So just a short quote from Restoration Magazine - November 1976. Arthur Wallis wrote this in the editorial letter;

"The Dales Bible Week almost defies description. At times waves of praise and worship seemed to roll over the congregation like the sound of many waters. At other times we knew the awesome silence of God's presence amongst us. The thousands present responded with the leap of faith to the ministry of the Word delivered in such rich anointing of authority and faith. What a tremendous foretaste of the ever increasing multitude who will fill the earth with the song of praise and share in the rule of righteousness".

He did it before! He can do it again!

Past, Present, Future ... !!

I read an interesting quote by Marcel Pagnol:

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”

I was very interested to watch Songs of Praises tonight (the only remnant really of Christianity on UK terrestrial TV). Normally I find that programme cringe-worthy but tonight they were showing the large charismatic church in Peterbrough - Kingsgate Community Church - led by Dave Smith (who incidentally I heard at Life in the Spirit Conference). The church is large enough that it attracts famous national speakers such as Terry Virgo, Greg Haslam and Stuart Bell. And I noticed that the Songs of Praise event was led by Noel Richards. The congregation were dressed in brightly coloured clothing (some were indeed wearing ties which Stanley Jebb would note).

Did I enjoy it? I did mainly. I can't help but find some aspects to the church's attempts to show a "contemporary but real" image to the watching world. Sometimes it seems that the church tries so hard to be contemporary that it just looks cheesy. So on the one hand you have dry and dull and dusty tie-wearing Christians (advocated by Stanley Jebb) and on the other a church full of people who frankly look like they have swept the entire collection of the United Colours of Benetton off the shelf. Which is worse? Or which is better?!

But that aside - my heart rejoiced greatly that there is a BIG church not far from me which is unafraid to proclaim the gospel set on fire by the life of the Spirit. I am one of those who believe passionately that BIG attracts attention. After all - Chris Moyles took interest in this church and I have yet to hear him go to some small chapel of tie-wearing conservative evangelicals. This evening's "Songs of Praise" got me thinking about words that I love;

"Hope! - Vision! - Anticipation! - Excitement!".

Is anyone else fed up of the depression and formalism that much of life brings? Everyone finds their own excitement and anticipation in their own favourite things. Such as booking a summer holiday (which I've done!). But - call me odd - I find holy convocations of tremendous excitement. Something about seeing a massive group of God's people together worshipping in one - reminds me of what we have to look forward to in heaven. So I've put together a string of Restoration Magazine posters advertising the rapidly approaching Dales Bible Weeks with my very own Ern Baxter as keynote speaker. Here they are:

So that quote again:

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”.

The past wasn't perfect (but we thank God for it). The present isn't so bad (because Jesus said He would never leave us or forsake us). And the future is resolved actually (because He promised that as surely as He lives ALL the earth WILL be filled with the glory of the Lord!).

Farewell 2009 .... Hey 2010!!

Another end of year is upon us! I really do wish each and every one the very best for 2010! Some bloggers find it customary to review 2009 and mention blogs - I don't want to do that. 2009 hasn't been the greatest year for me - and subsequently my blog has suffered. For this I do apologise!

The thing I have struggled with the most is holding onto hope. 2006/07/08 had so many promises! Rob Rufus came to "Together on a Mission" in 2006 and 2007 and the Presence of God at those conferences was like nothing I have ever experienced before. Add into that Rob's revolutionary teaching on grace - I truly learnt what "grace" meant for the very first time in my 20 years of Christian life! Then of course 2008 saw the Lakeland Outpouring. I make no apology for re-stating how much this excited and moved me. It probably was the closest I got to seeing refreshing and corporate outpourings of healing and miracles and signs and wonders. And yet that too sadly faded away.

Will I adjust my theology to match my experience - as so many have done? NEVER! This New Year's Eve sees me as full of hope as ever - if not more desperate, more hungry, more passionate to see God manifest His glory. So rather than review what was hard and difficult about 2009 - I want to look ahead to 2010 and mention some of my hoped-for plans.

1. "Together on a Mission" 2010 in Brighton!

Scott and I will be going to Brighton this year (after two years away) to the Brighton Conference on 6th to the 9th July. I can't wait - I've missed it so much and it will be so great to catch up with friends like Luke Wood. As well as longing for heaven on earth during the worship with Kate Simmonds and Lou Fellingham - it is in my favourite city in the UK!

2. "Grace and Glory Conference" in Hong Kong.

Rob and Glenda Rufus will be hosting the "Grace and Glory Conference" at City Church International in Hong Kong from Tuesday 26th to Friday 29th October 2010! I can't say definately we will be going because of cash flow problems - but for the first time we have some prior warning of this awesome time so we both certainly have every intention of going. I can't wait to show Scott around Hong Kong - I remember sending him daily emails when I was there last!

3. A Visit to the USA.

This is another "hope" based on cash flow issues. But a visit to the USA is LONG overdue for me! There are so many places that I really want to visit while there;

a. The Ern Baxter Memorial Library in Mobile, Alabama.

b. Florida and the sun-soaked beaches (and hopefully get to see my friend Janelle Phillips!)

c. New York (and my wonderful friends Lydia and Julie ... well it's kind of the same area!).

Now I don't know if these hopes will come to pass (particularly the more expensive ones!). But I know from experience that people who suffer with depression that lead to suicide are those people who have lost hope. I have experienced temptations to commit suicide myself personally - so I know what "no hope" feels like. Hope is a vital thing! Hope in the goodness of God cannot be more vital. Why else did God attribute Abraham's belief and hope in His goodness as righteousness?

It is my prayer that each and everyone of us knows the abundant, lavish and outstanding goodness of God in manifest touch this coming year.

A very happy 2010!

SUDDENLY from Heaven!!

Rob Rufus received a word from God a couple of years back that has resonated with me since I heard it. He mentioned it during the monumental "Invading the Impossible" series;

"Please Rob, tell My people to stop trying to impress Me with human effort and holiness and obedience. Let Me impress them".

I think years of inbuilt pride and legalistic traditions of men have kept me from doing that even when I have thought I was trying. Without trying to conjour sympathy (because I know others are going through the same thing) this year has been AWFUL! Just - horrendous and I won't go too much into detail. I was driven out of my job at Acorns Children's Hospice by homophobic bullies at the beginning of the year and then have gone from one crisis to another. Even personal events - such as my car catching on fire on the motorway - all just seemed to come altogether!

I think I am beginning to understand why. I am now running on empty. I am pretty upset, bitter, sad and exhausted. I don't have much energy to even muster any faith in God - other than the prayer; "Lord I believe - help my unbelief". I don't have any money to be able to give away and bless other people or enable me to work towards what I feel is my calling. It's just all ... gone!

I realised tonight when I was walking home from work that is a pretty good place to be actually. Because I am out of ideas to try and "impress" God. All I can do is sit back and wait and watch for Him to act. For Him to prove His Word - to Rob Rufus. For Him to impress! For Him to be God! Throughout the Word of God - the worst thing that He could do was to remain silent.

Ern Baxter preached a sermon in my home church in Dunstable called; "Sovereign Surprises". Ern was talking about the burning bush and said;

"A lot of Christian life is very plebeian and ordinary and mundane and unexciting and uninteresting and it shouldn’t be so. There should be an area of valid excitement that comes from having faith ... Are you ready for a bush? If God suddenly breaks into your life and you see a phenomenon like that, are you ready for it? Is it in your thoughts at all, this whole process of divine intervention? Or is tomorrow going to be like today? Are we just going to go in a kind of hum-drum existence, or do we have the biblical right to expect that God has historically engaged in a process of divine intervention that gives us hope?".

It seems that religion reacts to God not seeming to be very active by responding with a theology that He has withdrawn into heaven, given us the Word of God in a book and our next expectation of Him intervening is at the 2nd Coming. But that isn't building a theology on the Word of God! It is building a theology on our experience or lack of experience of the manifest Presence of God!

I must admit candidly that I don't have a personal testimony of many awesome manifestations of the Presence of God. But I have striven through my life so far to let my faith be fired by reading of encounters - and hungering after it. Of continually hoping for "MORE" rather than settling for "less". During the sermon Ern Baxter gave a real-life account of a time when he was with William Branham - here it is;

"I remember when I was in South Africa many years ago travelling with William Branham. We were going through a time of bitter persecution by the Dutch Reformed Church plus the press. Thousands of people were coming to the meetings in South Africa and it was stirring. And he and I were alone one night holding our case before God. Suddenly I was aware of a Presence. Now I know the Presence of the Holy Spirit and I wasn’t getting the same registration. Brother Branham said in his very quiet way, “Brother Ern – don’t be frightened. The angel of the Lord is in the room”.

Well he didn’t have to tell me. The next night, still under persecution, a Dutch Reformed minister who was bitterly opposed to us, was on his way home and he felt a hand on his shoulder. There was no one around him and he couldn’t understand it so he hurried home. It was a warm night and he had just been wearing a white shirt. He took his shirt off and looked at the back of it and a print of a hand was burned into the back of it".

Wow! This makes me so hungry - not for experience. The Charismatic Movement was roundly criticised by critic cessationists for chasing after "experiences". That may have been true in cases. But I would say in my experience - most are hungry just for the Presence of God! For God Himself! For the glory! Ern Baxter went on;

"I’m asking you this morning to do is open your heart to expect God to do something else that is going to be of such a nature as you hadn’t thought about before. How many would have believed the Pentecostal visitation at the turn of the century? How many would have believed the Charismatic visitation? In our own century we have had such divine manifestation that is unprecedented and exciting. God is not dead! He’s alive! If there’s any charge of death, it belongs here. We are dull of hearing. We are unexciting! We are unresponsive to the divine activity".

Surely that is why church is having relatively little impact upon the lost. Because we have no expectation - no hunger for divine activity. Before I close with a prayer by Dr Ern Baxter, let me quote from Dr Martyn Lloyd-Jones in his monumental; "Joy Unspeakable";

"Certain men you will find become concerned and disturbed and unhappy and they say; "What we need is another baptism with the Holy Spirit, we must seek the face of God". They do everything they can; they repent and render obedience, they try to go on walking a life of faith, a life of surrender to the Spirit and they do so genuinely. But nothing happens. And they go on and on like that and are almost at the point of despair, when SUDDENLY something HAPPENS! Often when they least expect it. When they are on the verge of utter despair, suddenly on the assembled company, the Holy Spirit falls again".

It is not just Ern Baxter or the charismatics who believed and taught in a "suddenly from heaven!". Dr Lloyd-Jones saw it clearly in the book of Acts also. Here is Ern Baxter's closing prayer and it is the cry of my heart;

"God I’m a candidate for a surprise! I can’t make it happen. God I deplore the pornography, the sexual perversion, the permissiveness in society! I deplore it God! But unless you rend the heavens and come down and I’m saying to you this morning, God I’m not going to lift a carnal finger to make a good meeting – I will worship you and keep my spirit open but I won’t simulate a prophecy and I won’t manufacture a healing. But God – here we stand. Our eyes are upon you! God this morning our eyes are on you! We’re not match for international problems – we’re no match for this thing or that. As far as the world is concerned they walk right past our door. They don’t hate us! We don’t even deserve their hatred. They ignore us. If they hated us it would mean that we drew their attention but they don’t hate us because they don’t even know we’re here.

And God there is no way we are going to try and make it happen. We’re not going to go out and confront them on the street – no we don’t want that Lord! But oh! Rend the heavens and come down! Visit this vine which Thou hast planted! This is Your people Lord! You said you’d prune and visit and water them! You said you’d make them flourish and make them grow! And God we want to open our hearts to that element of surprise that has characterised You from that moment when You spoke worlds into existence right down to the time when you incarnated Yourself in the virgin womb of a peasant girl! Right down to that time when You came into our lives with such an impact of Your glory that we didn’t expect. Do it again Lord! Do it again!"

And as if in confirmation as I was writing this post - a personal prophecy has come to me from a respected Newfrontiers prophet. He didn't know my personal circumstances and couldn't know. The "secrets of my heart" have been revealed. I think the surprise may be coming! And it can't come soon enough.