Sing It Louder!

I was thinking a lot about mental health issues today thanks to the great "Time to Talk" focus day this week.  One account particularly moved me - that of "Time to Talk" campaigner Johnny Benjamin - sharing his experience of how he almost threw himself off a bridge in London but was saved by a passerby.  It struck, worried and moved me how awful the reality of suicide is - and how surely it is OUR responsibility as a race to try and protect our own?  NO-ONE should feel so lost and alone that they end their lives!

So what keeps us going?  What keeps us living?

I have considered suicide myself personally this past year - I confess it.  Things just got "so" bad that it occurred to me as a distinct possibility.  I know that psychiatrists consider the risk of suicide greater if "there is a plan".  I had a plan.  I kept on living for a largely negative reason - I did not consider the cause of committing this final act "worthy" enough to do so.  It's not perfect but it worked for me!  The fact is that life serves good times and bad times.  And I have learned over the past year or two that rather than just "keep hoping that life picks up" - it is wiser to enjoy the good and use it as a foundation to work through the bad.

I got a little revelation today as to one of the reasons why I "keep going".  It was listening to one of my favourite song tributes to my adored and revered Her Majesty the Queen; "Sing".



The lyrics in question that moved me immensely were;

"There’s a place, there’s a time in this life when you sing what you are feeling, find your feet, stand your ground, don’t you see right now the world is listening to what we say? ... You brought hope, you brought life, conquer fear, no it wasn’t always easy, stood your ground, kept your faith, don’t you see right now the world is listening to what we say?"

What occured to me is this (and bearing strongly in mind; "Time to Talk" campaign) - one POWERFUL reason to "keep going" - is that there may be others out there who are encouraged, find strength, find hope from the story that we tell.  I shared a tweet the other day about the reality of living with an anxiety-related disorder.  It's horrid.  But if by speaking out - I can encourage or remind or tell another person that they are not alone and are not alien or weird - then surely I must do it!

There is a reason for keeping on living - and keeping on going.  We do not live alone in isolation.  If we live or die - this does have an impact on our fellow human beings!  And we have the opportunity to affect the world we touch by the words we speak!  So my hope and my aim right now in life is to try and take courage and speak out honestly about problems and solutions.

If it were one day to save a life, or to even just encourage someone that they aren't alone - that would make the ups and downs of my life ALL worthwhile!

Keep singing!

How Her Majesty the Queen helped me survive these past 1.5 years.

Dedicated to every brave soul who daily choses to continue living - even if it means facing demons, hardship and heartache.  Dedicated also to the fabulous Rev Dave and CEO Lisa who together gave me the bravery to speak out and put pen to paper.

It is amazing that even in the 21st century, it still isn't very easy to speak openly about mental health issues - particularly on a personal leveMORE empathetic and compassionate rather than building walls and de-personalising our patients!  Somehow anyone within the NHS, there is a ridiculous notion that "we are professionals and shouldn't struggle on this level".  But the unspoken reality is that the NHS is wonderful because it is staffed by human beings who do go through similar problems to the patients and families we see on a daily basis.  That reality should make us

My own personal background was somewhat more complicated by the fact that I came from an extremely fundemental religious background where mental health issues were particularly disapproved of, and usually put down to "sin" on some level.  When I first went on antidepressants some 10 years ago for a time, I didn't dare tell my parents for some years - as it was seen as an admission of "failure".  I have seen my General Practioner and various Occupational Health services through work pretty regularly - and the clinical feeling is that I am not "depressed" per se - I apparently tend to struggle with "chronic anxiety".  In short - I daily seem to imagine up (I have a very vivid imagination) all sorts of fears, worries and panics about what life may bring.

The last year and a half has been particularly rock-bottom in terms of experience, health and work.  Two or three times I did in fact consider suicide and whether it really "was all worth carrying on".  Those low points were often prompted by events I read, such as the tragic account of the nurse involved with the Australian DJ scandal while Prince William and Kate were in hospital expecting Prince George.  Reading that account made me feel an affinity with the nurse - but in a ludicrous way, a rather morbid wondering if I also committed suicide whether the Chairman/Chief Executive of my workplace would make a statement to the press.  I decided they wouldn't bother - and somehow found that enabled me to "keep living" that particular low day.

But the benefit of this year has meant that I have been forced to confront some of my worst fears headon - with no support, help or alternative.  That's a story for another time - but what I found was that actually - my imagined fears were WORSE than the reality!  But what I wanted to focus on in this post was what enabled me day by day to "keep going" this year.  And that was the person and example of Her Majesty the Queen.  Before you snigger - let me explain why.

I am sure there may be psychological reasons why the Queen means so much to me personally.  I lost both my beloved Grandparents at significantly low times in my life to cancer, and both losses affected me deeply.  I guess there may be a degree to which I long for a "Grandmother" figure.  But Her Majesty's example has meant more than that this year.  It is well known and commonly cited that her life motto is;

"Duty first - self second".

When Her Majesty was 21 she made a monumental speech in South Africa where she committed her life to;

"I declare before you all that my whole life whether it be long or short shall be devoted to your service and the service of our great imperial family to which we all belong".

Her committment to duty has ruled her life and service - even if at times it has meant that her family life and personal life has been affected as a result.  Many commentators (and we never know what Her Majesty herself thinks - as she does not give interviews) suggest that call to duty is something that has remained with her, and has driven her throughout her life and reign - to the present date, her amazing 86 years of age and her now-over 60 years of reign.

Let me make it clear - I do not equate myself in ANY way to Her Majesty the Queen in ANY sense (other than to count myself fortunate to be one of Her subjects).  But what remained with me throughout this blackest of years, was initially a thought - does Her Majesty the Queen ever get down or low?  And this wondering grew into an interest that lead me to reading many of the biographies written about the Queen, and the difficulties that have beset her (especially her famous "annus horribilis" year and the year where HM lost both her beloved mother and her sister) - yet continued to perform her duty.

Her Majesty's personal difficulties are made worse by far because they are so often in the sight, criticism and debate of the press and therefore the public of both the United Kingdom and Commonwealth.  At the very least any personal problems I have, were able to be limited by myself to the people I trust and were able to depend on (and to them - a few in number - I owe them a debt of gratitude I will never be able to repay!).

While working through - day by day - the blackness, the lowness and utter desolation of the past year - at times, it was quite simply the fact of seeing Her Majesty the Queen at an official function (I follow several blogs that track and report the Court Circular) that gave me courage and conviction to try and "live the day".  At times, this was as pathetic as leaving the safety of my flat and walking to the corner shop to buy a pint of milk.  It sounds ridiculous to write this - but my mentality was;

"If Her Majesty can go to yet another engagement despite the wealth of possible aches and pains she may have as an over-80 year old, smile constantly even though she may not feel it, and shake umpteen hands even though she has done nothing but for the last over 60 years of her reign ... then surely I can put clothes on, leave the flat and do a simple task?".

That simple role-model and mentality enabled me to gradually build and grow in confidence, activities - and as a result I found my mood and outlook on life improving, my determination to work through my difficulties strengthen, and focus my goals beyond just "surviving the day".

It is for this reason I will never fail to be grateful to the unfailing example of Her Majesty the Queen.  The couple of visits I have been SO fortunate to make to Buckingham Palace only served to enhance that.  It is why I am a Royalist through and through!  I know this example will not work for everyone who suffers with anxiety, depression or any other mental health disorders.  But I do think it underlines the importance when you are struggling so hard to "keep living" - sometimes it can be the most simple or obvious of things that help keep you "living"!  It could be a family pet that needs feeding.  It could be a planned outing in a few weeks time.

The majority of the victims of suicide almost invariably state; "they ran out of hope".  So for us - as NHS professionals - one of the key responsibilities upon us is to help find that hope (and it will be individual to each person).  But we can only do our job well and effectively - if WE are honest about our struggles and experiences.  Small things such as a "thank-you" from a Chief Executive or a line manager can change the complete "mood" of a working week!  More importantly - cared-for staff give better care (it is widely acknowledged - I cite an excellent PICU Intensive Care Consultant as an example) so it is vital that if NHS staff do share mental health struggles and issues, they are supported and not vilified or patronised (as has sometimes been my experience).

Positive thinking (in my opinion and experience) is absolutely vital to "keeping on going".  For many of my 36 years of living - I thought that positivity and happiness was a reaction to the experiences that life forces upon us.  If life was going well - then I was happy!  If it was going very ill - then I was not.  But I have come to realise and understand (thanks to Twitter friends - in particular Kath Evans, Head of Patient Experience for NHS England and her friend 'Engaging Emma') - that in fact positivity and happiness come from "within" and are a state of mind that can be increasingly immune to life's changes and events!

My conclusions?

1.  Life isn't fair or just.
2.  We all have a choice - to continue and fight or opt out.
3.  We can all chose to benefit from our experiences and use them for good.
4.  There is always hope - even if it is the smallest glimmer (such as the Monarch carrying on her duties!).
5.  The night cannot last forever - the dawn does comes, even if it seems forever!

Don't Stop Believing!!

I'm repeating a cliche today that I have repeated before. And probably quoting a song that I have quoted before. But when life isn't the easiest or the best, it is often a wise idea to stick to what you know. Very often the depressed individual struggles with feelings triumphing over truth. The worse case scenario is that a person commits suicide when they truly lose all hope and cannot see any reason for living.

I was excited to see the trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows has been released and was fascinated with the final scene of it - Voldemort is facing Harry and asks; "Why are you still living?". Harry replies; "Because I have something to live for".

The key then - the message to everyone who has ever struggled with depression is this: DON'T STOP BELIEVING!

Lou Fellingham ....

I just wanted to share a couple of thoughts that came to me today. I was trying to encourage a dear friend who is struggling with depression and spiritual darkness and I was reminded of a point in "Pilgrims Progress" when Christian is walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and he sees Faithful ahead and says;

"Christian cried again, Stay, stay, till I come up to you. But Faithful answered, No, I am upon my life, and the avenger of blood is behind me".

I wondered why Faithful didn't stop. Was it because he was genuinely afraid after walking through one of the darkest valleys of their journey? It occured to me that many who are in deep spiritual darkness may feel the same - they may hear the cries of fellow Christians saying; "Wait - let me walk with you - let me share with you" and their response? "No - I've got to go - my life is on the line and the demons of hell are behind me". I reminded my friend that they are not alone - and there are others who are going through similar darkness. We are never alone.

While I was cooking in the kitchen I had some of Lou Fellingham's wonderful album on my iPod and this track; "Build This House" particularly struck me - and this line;

"So easy to desire what others have
Instead of seeing all the gifts that
You have given me
So help me fan the flame
which you began
And burn in me a love for you
that all will clearly see".

It so lovingly challenged me. When you are depressed it is so incredibly easy to think that life is hardest for ME and noone has it as hard. It is so incredibly easy to look at everyone else around you and resent their finances, their relationships or marriages and their gifts - instead of seeing "all the gifts that you have given me". So I just wanted to lay tribute at Lou Fellingham's door for reminding me to keep praying that God would fan into flame the love for Him that is there!

Here's the whole song;

Worthy is the Lamb!

I'm writing quite a hard post about suicide and the Christian at the moment - someone I know who loved Jesus Christ but wrestled with depression all their lives took their own life in the last few weeks. I've admitted a couple of times before that I've had suicidal thoughts at times at the depths of feeling depressed. And I'm staggered there is so little encouragement, guidance, or sermons dealing with this - yet many Christian greats dealt with depression including William Cowper (the hymn-writer who actually committed suicide himself) and C H Spurgeon.

But I've been amazed again at the power of Gospel-centered worship for lifting the soul. I felt so incredibly and utterly low yesterday after a hard weekend - and made a deliberate and concerted effort to soak in Spirit-filled worship (particularly Hillsongs and Newfrontiers) and have felt such a breaking of the clouds of darkness! I cannot urge anyone like me who struggles with feeling depressed and maybe even suicidal thoughts - to soak and find and hear and sing to worship songs that are focused and obsessed with the glorious gospel.

Here's my favourite at the moment - "Worthy is the Lamb" from Hillsongs;



"Now ALL I know is Your forgiveness and embrace!".

That is the Biblical fact of our current experience! Why is it that the main course of most Christian depression comes from doubt and fear that God is less than thrilled with them? Or worse is angry with them? The sad fact is that many church leaders actually proudly preach the wrath and anger of God at people who are covered by the blood of the only Son of God? It's a sobering thought that some churches have blood on their hands because they have allowed the lie to continue - rather than preaching the unadulterated gospel of grace.

"The Darling of Heaven crucified!".

I wonder if Jesus hung upon the Cross and saw each and every son and daughter that His blood would redeem flash before His eyes? I wonder if His already broken heart broke just a little bit more at the premature deaths of those redeemed beloved ones who just couldn't quite "get" His love and adoration for them? What a price! Surely that most precious price of all DEMANDS that we fight depression, suicide and any emotion that robs the true wonder of Calvary?

"Thou art worthy!".

Something occured to me yesterday. Most Christians believe and utter the Westminster Confession that the "chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever". Or of course as John Piper puts it; "Glorify God BY enjoying Him forever". I wonder what happens if Christians do not enjoy God and therefore are not glorifying Him? I wonder what happens if Christians cannot remember the last time they enjoyed God? Does that suggest that actually the reason for living - the chief end of man - has gone and really why continue living?

This is why worship is so key to me and so essential in the battle to win against depression and suicidal thoughts and feelings. Worship lifts our spirits and focuses our attention off ourselves and our struggles and onto God and His love and passion and beauty and Being. Let's never, ever allow ourselves to stop worshipping!

Ending It All?

• More males than females "succeed" at suicide, by a ratio of 4 to 1.


• Suicide has been reported as the second leading cause of death among teenagers.


• It appears that about one in three teen aged suicides is by a gay or lesbian.


• Followers of religions that strongly prohibit suicide, like Christianity and Islam, have a higher suicide rate than those religions which have no strong prohibition.

This blog post has been born out of three different experiences. Firstly my friend Brogan (from South Africa) and I have both been thinking along parallel lines on this. Secondly I was upset to hear of one of the members of City Church International in Hong Kong taking his own life - announced here (he had suffered beyond belief for years). Thirdly;

I had an unusual experience today when I was out running. I'd done a longer run on Friday night and was aching a bit so was finding it quite tough going. I put on my "gym playlist" and suddenly without warning found I was listening to "Heroes" - originally sang by Mariah Carey but this version was sang by the X-Factor finalists of 2008. And I heard this phrase in the song that stuck;

"Hold on until tomorrow - in time you'll find a way".


And I felt a massive emotional stirring for those who have taken their own lives or those who have been so close to taking their own lives. I have never heard suicide be addressed in any other terms but shock, disapproval and downright condemnation. Some Christians even suggest that if you take your own life then you are guilty of murder and may not even go to heaven. This of course is another blatent example of the legalistic wing of the church's ability to categorise and put sin on pedestals.

And the ironic thing is that I suspect that the final thought going through the one taking his/her own life is that they know that the church will tut, shake it's head and disapprove ... again.

So in this post - I want to speak to the potential suicidal. And then to the legalistic church.

1. To the one planning to take their own life.

If you have dealt with suicidal thoughts then you will be extremely sensitive to anyone trying to speak to you. "You don't know what I'm going through" - will probably going through your mind. And you are right. I don't know specifically what you are going through. But I DO know what it is like to carry the weight of considering whether or not to take your own life. I've been thinking about that for a number of years since I lived in Bristol. I still have a packet of pills in my bedroom that I never touch - earmarked for my use should I need it. Can I say I will never take my own life? No, I can't promise that. So please - I do know something of what it is like to consider suicide. BUT! That doesn't stop me trying to think through ways out.

So there is a very simple principle that needs to be totally and utterly demolished. Rob Rufus said this;

"The law addresses your behaviour. Grace addresses your heart. If your effort got you there, then your effort must keep you there. If grace got you there, then grace will keep you there".

There's so much I could say but I know that your time may be limited. I could baffle you with theological arguments and persuasions or even threats but you know them all. What you essentially want to know is surely why you should bother carrying on another day but secondly what will happen if you do pull that trigger, or take those pills or start that car. The question you need answering is why you should bother living another day. The song "Heroes" pleads; "Hold on - there will be tomorrow - in time you will find a way!". But I know you are answering that; "I can't hold on - I can't face tomorrow and I have tried and failed to find a way".

Listen to the best piece of good news in the world - 2 Corinthians 5:19;

" ... namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation".

There are the two greatest pieces of good news in the world here. And if you can dare to allow yourself to believe this, I guarantee it will do more to dispel your depression and maybe just maybe give you cause to live again.

1. God has reconciled YOU to HIM - permamently and forever and nothing and no one can take that away. No sin can remove that reconciliation. Let's get specific. You will hear the Church perhaps tell you that no sin can take that reconciliation away. You like me may suspect that they mean lying or a tendancy to pride or jealousy. Or maybe even lust as long as you read Joshua Harris's book. But what about if you have been a prostitute? Or what about if you have murdered someone? What about if you are gay and in an active relationship with someone? What about if you are a paedophile? What about if you have been a pagan and practiced witchcraft? But we must persist in allowing the Word of God and the promises of God to be consistent. God has reconciled you to Himself no matter what you have done. That must mean;

2. God is NOT counting your sins against you! I don't know what sins are worrying you. But let's talk about one I can bet we all have considered. You may have been told that if you commit suicide and take your own life then you will go to hell. The argument is that if you take your own life then you cannot ask forgiveness for the sin of murder therefore you are condemned to hell. No disrespect to anyone who says this but they are lying. If the forgiveness of your sin depends on the quantity, timing and appropriateness of you "confessing" such sin then Jesus Christ's sacrifice and blood shed on the Cross was conditional.

So what about the pseudo-threats of the Church that if you take your own life then you will go to hell? Well for that to happen, suicide must be too great a sin for Jesus Christ's death and sacrifice to cover. To suggest so is complete and utter blasphemy. Therefore if you have committed your life to Jesus Christ and accepted freely the gift of His righteousness then (let me say this slowly);

If .... you .... commit .... suicide .... you .... will ..... still .... go .... to .... heaven.

Do I want you to still go through with this? No of course I don't! I don't know you or your situation but I do believe earnestly that God has great schemes in store for you - if you will give Him a chance then you will see He has good plans for you - plans to give you a future and a hope. But I say again - if you do feel that you have absolutely no option but to take your own life then you absolutely will go to heaven and you will see the face of God. You may ask what will your arrival in heaven be like? Will you be saved "as though by fire"? Well I can't say for sure because I haven't yet taken my own life and been there. But I think I can say what I believe would happen.

When I was out running listening to the song "Heroes" I had a powerful experience and I felt as though I was sharing the experience of someone who was dying and closing their eyes and awaking in glory. The first thing I was aware of was the face of God and I looked eagerly although scared to see if there was disappointment or worse anger. What I saw was an overwhelming empathy. How foolish to not realise that God Himself knows every pain, every agony, every torment that we - His creation - go through! He knew. And He understood. And He loved. And He forgave freely just as He has always forgiven freely since Calvary.

Well I haven't said anything to stop you taking the pills or pulling the trigger - you may say. That's true. I never promised all the answers. All I promised was that I know what you are going through. And I am on a voyage of discovery and my discoveries so far show that God really wants us to live and enjoy each day so that He can unfold revelations of His love and passion for us and show us that He has gladly reconciled Himself to us and He is NOT counting our sins against us!

2. To the Church family wanting to support the suicidal.

I have got nothing to say to the legalistic church who despise the suicidal as "weak" and taking the "easy way out". You have blood on your hands. If God is not holding the sins of the suicidal against them - then what gives YOU the right to hold their sins against them? "If God is for (them) then who can be against (them)?". It is the condemnation that you are placing upon those struggling souls that is a major factor in driving them to end their lives. I hope that the gospel of grace will wake you up one day and realise what you are doing.

I want to speak to the church family (like City Church International in Hong Kong) who REALLY want to help the suicidal among them and REALLY care and love and long for them to find "a future and a hope". I must urge anyone who really wants to look into this to listen to Rob Rufus's two messages - "Announcement about Barry Summers" and "The Glory of Tested Faith (Part 2)Enduring Hardships". Rob's compassion and love for both Barry (the guy who took his own life) and the church is incredible. Rob speaks about clipping Barry around the ear when they next meet in glory but he speaks passionately to the church to prevent them from feeling they "could have done more".

So what can the church do to help? I believe it is quite simple. One of my favourite Stuart Townend songs is "The Resurrection Hymn" with the verse;

"See Mary weeping, 'Where is He laid?' As in sorrow she turns from the empty tomb; Hears a voice speaking, calling her name; It's the Master, the Lord raised to life again! The voice that spans the years, Speaking life, stirring hope, Bringing peace to us, Will sound till He appears, For He lives, Christ is risen from the dead!".

The church has been so eager to defend doctrine especially the doctrine of the Cross in recent years - and there is nothing wrong with that. But an over-emphasis on the doctrine glosses over the fact that He died 2,000 years ago but HE NOW LIVES!! And He doesn't just live but He lives "to intercede for us". He is alive and He is busily active! Church ministries need to make every effort to remind the church that He is alive, He is active and He does speak!

Even some so-called reformed charismatic churches allow for prophecy in their midst but seem to forget the point of prophecy. Jesus Christ is SPEAKING TO HIS BRIDE! When He intervenes in divine and miraculous healing it is a touch of love! One of the things John MacArthur said that made me so angry was to write in his commentary that Jesus only healed in the New Testament "for a purpose". What he meant was that each miracle was to achieve or prove something. There was no suggestion in the commentary about the difference that the healing would make to the person themselves. The woman bowed over for 18 years was healed and the first thing she saw was Jesus Christ's face - full of love!

The suicidal man or woman needs to hear Jesus Christ speaking to them for themselves. They need to hear the words of love that our heavenly Bridegroom is speaking to them! And the church is the place where that can happen. They need to be in a family who love, welcome and appreciate them. They need to be in a family that assure them that their salvation is secure and even if they do end it, they will still go to heaven. They need to be in a family that gather together eagerly to EXPECT the voice of Jesus Christ to resound through the body.

I can recall some of the prophecies that have changed my life because the prophet heard Jesus speak and relayed the message.

1. Terry Virgo Prophesies at Brighton Leaders Conference 2003 - "Resurrection!".

2. Terry Virgo Prophesies at Together on a Mission 2006 - "Embrace change!".

3. Terry Virgo Prophesies at Together on a Mission 2006 - "Eavesdropping on My plans!".

4. Terry Virgo Prophesies at Stoneleigh Bible Week 2000 - "This is Dancing Ground!".

And they are just a few! Each prophecy made me cry, laugh, shake and tremble. But the one resounding thing about each prophecy was that it made me more convinced that I have ever been more sure that JESUS CHRIST IS ALIVE!

In closing I mentioned that I have a pack of pills in my bedroom that I keep ... just in case. When heaven seems silent and Jesus Christ might as well still be hanging on the Cross - that is when I feel low, depressed and that life is without purpose. When the prophetic is flowing, when I can hear Him speaking and talking - that is when I want nothing less than to end my life. A dear blogging friend - Jamie - summed up suicide excellently - I will let her close;

"Suicide: sad choice for our earth suit but that's about it. :)".

How Do You Keep Going In the Darkest Night? Fresh OIL!

This week has been one of "those" weeks again. One of those weeks that my younger sister would say; "I never do things by halves!". I've been called a liar in the troubles at my former place of work, I've had to leave my community job and to top it off my car burst into flames on the motorway while I was going down to see my parents! But then suddenly some really upsetting news put all that into perspective - a couple and their gorgeous son felt they had no option but to take their lives after their paralysed and ventilated son died in hospital. I looked after him when I worked in Bristol and they were the most devoted, caring parents one could meet. He was the most brave, adorable little boy also. What upset me the most was that his parents had a faith in God that their little boy would walk and talk again.

So how do we deal with that? Do we adapt our theology to meet our experience and decide that actually God is unloving, uncaring and deaf to the cries and heartaches of His people? How can we! We know better. I can feel the heartache of God even as I type and I am so glad and know that family are safe in heaven where their little boy IS walking and talking and dancing. My lapse in blogging over the past few days has been deliberate because I don't want to write trite words of empty hope that I don't believe. My heart is aching and breaking. I do wake up during the night sweating from various nightmares linked to this week's events. I'm not going to write a "All things work together for God" ... somehow, someway post - (even though they do) when I don't believe it!

I found a section in one of Rob Rufus's earlier sermons from City Church International and it REALLY makes sense! Especially due to my car problems!

"There are basically five reasons why you need fresh anointing on your life:

1. Because oil evaporates. There's the natural and there's the supernatural but they are parallel in comparison.

2. Oil leaks out through holes. If you have got a hole in a vessel, oil will always find a way out of that hole. Gravity will move it towards that hole and it will leak out through that hole. That hole could be bitterness or it can be self-pity - is where the oil leaks out.

3. Oil loses it's density, it's viscosity. It becomes thinner and the thickness of that oil, the strength of that oil is reduced. There is no longer that heavy anointing on your life. You are no longer concious of that awesome Presence of God because the oil has lost it's viscosity. It loses it's power to lubricate.

4. Oil gets discoloured. It picks up all the dirt. When it's fresh, it is golden and transparent, but then it becomes a dark colour and loses that power to lubricate.

5. Oil begins to stink when it goes rotten. It goes rancid and it is a terrible smell - rotten, rancid oil.

I am constantly amazed at how some Christians haven't blown their brains out, how they haven't just gone into manic deep depression. This is because you cannot function without the supernatural fresh anointing. The Bible says that the anointing heals broken hearts, sets at liberty those who are bruised, opens the prison doors and gives sight to the blind.

The anointing lifts the yoke of heaviness over us and lifts the burdens off our backs and there are people who have accumulated years of burdens and disappointments and deep grief and the anointing, that is meant to keep that off them every day is not there. You are not meant to live today on yesterdays anointing. Sufficient is the grace for every day".

And I think I have my answer. I have been so almightily blessed with so many forums for receiving the anointing of God on my life. "Glory and Grace" in Hong Kong was obviously a complete highlight of my life. But that was two years ago! The "Together on a Mission" 2006 and 2007 conferences were highlights but they were two years ago. Everytime I meet my friend Pete Day we receive awesome downloads of glory but that's only every month or two! It's just not enough.

The oil on my life is leaking, isn't as thick as it should and stinks! But you know what the awesome good news is? The anointing is free! It's available! And all because of marvellous, lavish grace! So my prayer today - as I face the uncertain, unknown future is not to fear some "generational curse" but to pray that I will receive an awesome download of God's anointing power - maybe even while I am at work. I don't need increased anti-depressants, I don't need psychotherapy and I don't need to consider committing suicide. I need the anointing!!